Good lord. I've become that guy.

Good lord. I've become that guy.

I admit this because I must. While I was watching the last few episodes of the first season of "Alias", I found myself clenching my fist and uttering things like "Fuck yeah, Will" or "I've gotta find the director of this episode". Thing is, I know it's bad. It's basically a soap opera with karate. And yet...

Whenever any of you see me next. Please--I implore you--smack me. Smack me like a hoe who owes you money.

D

What was your relationship like with your robo-mother?

What was your relationship like with your robo-mother?

Hey guys. I'm trying to figure out a rational way that robots would rebel against humanity other than 1) becoming sentient and realizing they can destroy their human oppressors 2) a power hungry capitalist and/or mad scientist 3) scout robots sent by alien beings to crush the Earthling resistance or 4) the inherently evil nature of robots. Other than these things, what would make a legion of robots suddenly rise up against humanity?


Kurt Lightner, Sinners in the Hands of Angry Robots
(But remember: no E.T. robots)

Sadly this is a totally serious question. Gotta love script-writing.

* * *

I also think that if Kate didn't stress it enough in her recent post, then I will. Everyone should watch "Lost". If you've got internet, get a bittorrent client, go to Loki Torrent and download those puppies. It's a great freaking show. Just watch the first ten minutes of the first episode. I guarantee you'll be hooked after that.

D

It's like real life, except fiction!

It's like real life, except fiction!

Hey guys. I thought you might like some indication on what kinds of things I've been writing or what kinds of things I have in mind to write. One is a TV series simply called PA's. It's about--you guessed it--life behind-the-scenes in the movie business told from the perspective of the lowest common denominator: the production assistants. Here are a few first draft scenes I've banged out.

Phantom flat episode - flat's discovery



INT. SOUNDSTAGES

Dolly shot carrying a PA walking through the soundstage. We
dolly past a flat with support struts on both sides and no
adornments on either of the sides. The PA walks by out of
frame. After a few seconds, he walks backward to the flat
with-no-purpose. He peaks his head around one side and looks
at the struts. He leans back over and looks at the struts on
the other side. A member of the art department walks by.

PA
Hey, man. What's, uh...what's the
point of this flat here?

ART D
(looks at the flat, leans
over and in a hushed
voice)
We messed up.

PA
(whispers)
Yeah. You did. What's it supposed
to be?

ART D
(whispers)
It's supposed to be the conference
room set.

PA
(whispers)
Dude, what the fuck? That's where
we're supposed to be all day
tomorrow.

ART D
(whispers)
Shhhh! We're working on it.

PA
(whispers)
No, you're not. There hasn't been
a stage art department member
around here all day.

ART D
Well, I--
(runs off squealing)

PA
Hey. Hey!
(beat)
Fucking art department...


* * *

Bruce and the purring cat scene



INT. SOUNDSTAGES

BRUCE, the on-set dresser, sits brooding in a corner. He
wears all black: a melodramatic goth kid with a profound
sense of self-importance. A spotlight shines on him from
above. He slowly strokes a white, long-haired
cat that sits in his lap.

1ST AD
(over walkie)
Bruce, on-set dresser...?

BRUCE reaches over to a table near him, delicately picks up
his walkie with his left hand and depresses the send button
with his right index finger.

BRUCE
Bruce here.

1ST AD
Could you come to set? We're
resetting the room.

BRUCE
I shall be there.

BRUCE carelessly (and somewhat violently) tosses the cat off
screen frame-left. He stands and walks the ten feet to set,
his lap covered in white fur. He strides over to a large
desk held at three corners by grips, PA's or whomever.
They're obviously struggling. BRUCE steps to the empty
corner, slightly adjusts a stack of files on the desk, then
begins to step away...

PA
Bruce! Grab that corner, man!

BRUCE rolls his eyes and lets out a "the things they make me
do" sigh. He grabs a corner, and the quartet moves the desk
to its original place. BRUCE storms off back to his chair.
He stews for a moment. He snaps his fingers. The white cat
flies onto his lap from off-screen frame-left.



CLOSE-UP OF BRUCE'S TOP-LIT FACE.

BRUCE
(arching his fingers, dramatic music plays)
This crew has mistreated me for far
too long. They'll soon learn to
respect me, though. Oh yes, they
most certainly will learn...

We cut to a long shot of BRUCE in his chair. The music has stopped. He once again strokes the cat in his lap. We hear people working in the
background, furniture being moved, people being called over
walkie, etc. Overwhelmingly, however, we hear a certain sleeping
cat's contented purring...


* * *

I think Bruce is one of my favorite characters so far. He's so unlike any on-set dresser I've ever met, so it's just funny to think what a person like this would actually be like on a set.

The series would be a kind of documentary-style absurdist comedy that would follow the arc of the production assistants--and a few other tangential characters, obviously--through their first movie working together.

Another fun thing I'm working on is about this comic book-y esoteric/corporate detective agency called Dr. V & the Kid. It'll have some subtitle once I iron out who precisely the first villians will be. They'll do stuff like prevent the zombie apocalypse and uncover Illuminati doomsday plots. Those are for the sequels, however, which leave me kind of stuck on who should be the unlucky souls to cross their paths in the first movie. The Kid will be the infiltrator into enemy territory while Dr. V will work the computers. The dynamic between the two characters will be similar to that between Batman and Robin in The Dark Knight Returns except Robin, in this case, will still be a dude.

So besides getting the headshots and making the demo reel, that's what I've been wracking my brains on since (and during) McBride. Let me know what you guys think.

D

Just another one of my sordid, sordid addictions

Just another one of my sordid, sordid addictions

In the interest of full disclosure I have an admission to make. It started as a fascination with with show "Lost" about plane crash victims on a mysterious island, but it's escalated from there. "Lost" was created by a fellow named J.J. Abrams. This fellow also created other shows like "Alias" and "Felicity". Combine this with my reading the first issue of Alias, the comic, thinking it was based on the TV series and you can deduce for yourselves the sick truth: I've become addicted to "Alias". It's like you wake up one day and realize that one thing is ruling your life. It's all you can think about. That's not really the case here, but I do rather enjoy watching multiple episodes at a time. What frightens me most is wondering what will happen once I run out of "Alias" episodes? Will I move on to "Felicity"? I promise you all this: if it comes to that, I'll admit myself to a clinic. There are simply some lows I will not allow myself to reach.

Speaking of addictions, I bought an iPod today. I don't know what it's like elsewhere, but the iPod phenomenon swept through Los Angeles like locusts. Locusts that make people very, very happy. They're more like a plague of bunnies, really. Anyway, I was at The Grove today, and they happen to have an Apple store there. I thought I'd wander in and just check my email. The little bastards are clever, though. They stand right out there in the open, almost as if they're on display. I couldn't resist. My most intelligent and respected friends out here have been raving about them after making their iPod purchase. One of my friends is even knitting her iPod a cozy. [UPDATE: Apple has apparently beaten my friend at her own game. They've made freakin' socks for the iPod. What are they, children? Will they come out with tiny, stylish condos for the iPods next?] She hasn't made me a scarf, but she's making sure a thing that doesn't have skin stays comfortable and warm. With such devotion to an inanimate object, however, and the hype--oh, the hype!--the iPod siren dashed my poor bank account upon the rocky shore of poverty. I named the perpetrator "Sex Machine, Jr." We still don't know who the father is, but there's a good chance his name was "Sex Machine".

In case you want to be jealous and/or rekindle some hatred toward me, it was 84° in Los Angeles today. I walked everywhere in shorts and a t-shirt. Good golly, Miss Molly is February going to go fast this year. Send any hate mail to comfyinshorts@sunnyallday.com. *maniacal laughter*

Reading:

Too many blogs

Serendipities, Umberto Eco

Listening to:

My entire friggin' music library wherever I go. Thanks, iPod!

D

So I slightly overstated the drama

So I slightly overstated the drama

Well, here's the infamous McBride wrap party that I've perhaps overhyped. The pictures pretty much tell the story. Everyone who was there ended up having a great time, but I never got Athena (pictured below) to dance with me...even though her "chocolate stallion" had gone to another bar to hang out. Another time, maybe. Anyway, no one went home with anyone they hadn't gone home with before (to my knowledge), but it was still a rollicking good time. Well, I rollicked, at least.


Here's Jason, our Key PA for McBride. He seems a lonely soul in this picture.


Here's Bashir and the back of Rachel's head. They're having a good time. You'll have to trust me on this one.


Here's Kevin Connor--director of the brilliant (and I mean that in all honesty) Motel Hell--and my fellow PA Basia.


A picture of Bashir with Basia and Rachel. He's a bit of a hit with the ladies as you'll soon see. He claims he gets it from me, but it's all flattery.


This is me (obviously) and the 2nd 2nd AD, Athena. Tonight was the first night I ever saw her without a bandana on her head.


Here's Brookey and her boyfriend, Alex. She's a wee bit tipsy, which isn't all that evident from the picture.


Is Bashir a hit with the ladies? Why, yes. Yes he is.


Here's a shot of the dance floor. That's the head of the makeup department, Janice, on the right there. Unfortunately there aren't any pictures of me dancing. I can't imagine how that oversight happened...


I'll admit that Jason was somewhat intoxicated tonight. You might be able to tell from this picture if you look closely. Or if you have eyes.


Here's the whole production crew, minus Brooke. She went to another club. This is why we're no longer speaking. Clearly Jason hasn't sobered up by this point.


Bashir and some drunk girl. Bashir and some girl. Yep. I'm as surprised as the rest of you.


From left to right: John Carmichael (our former on-set dresser), Matt Lutz ("Phil" from the McBride movies), Basia (PA) and Christy (props, background, wardrobe & all-around nice gal)

So I promised crazy times for your guys, but you just got good, clean fun instead. What's not shown in these pictures, however, is how I unknowingly created drama by putting two people in the same place at the same time who don't like each other very much. Because I don't have a picture of either one of them, I'll just leave it at that. I'll also leave it at me never telling either one of them to go to the place where the ultimately met. In fact, I never even knew anyone was going to this other place until one of the parties involved told me she'd just been there. I later got a call from the other party claiming that the whole idea to go to this other place had been my idea. I wish I would've known. I might've been there myself if I had. Hooray for drama that I didn't create but somehow got blamed for anyway! Weird thing is I'd never heard of this other club at which the two parties involved met. Fun stuff, rumor is.

My plans for the rest of week go something like:

Register with some extras casting companies in an attempt to get background work

Call up a friend from LLP to get my headshots taken

Write scenes for 1) my demo reel and 2) a short film in which I'll act

Translate some handwritten notes into digital form

Add on to scenes I've already written to complete a first draft of a TV pilot

I don't know...hang out?

I make it out that I'm busier than I actually am. I'm not sure how much all this will actually take, but I'm thinking I can be finished with it in about two days. Everything but the writing anyway. We'll see what happens with that.

D