And there are other reviewers that eat his crumbs!

And there are other reviewers that eat his crumbs!

My former roommate, Eric, emailed me about Ebert's review of Constantine. He cited specifically the sections during which he--Ebert, not Eric--spoke of penguins. He rightly noted the inconsistency of the penguin comments with the rest of the review. That is to say: they had nothing to do with one another. Ebert is, in fact, a fucking loon.

As he also notes in his email that I've been commenting on his condition for sometime. In fact, I only have two default AIM away messages. One is the "Slightly less dull away message" that simply declares that "I'm out." The other is as follows (entitled "Ebert smokes crack"):

I just read this in Ebert's Van Hellsing review:

"Because Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) and his vampire brides are all dead, they cannot give birth, of course, to live children.
That they give birth at all is somewhat remarkable, although perhaps the process is unorthodox, since his dead offspring hang from a subterranean ceiling wrapped in cocoons that made me think, for some reason, of bagworms, which I spent many a summer hand-picking off the evergreens under the enthusiastic direction of my father."

What the fuck is he talking about?

One never knows when one might need to employ the "Ebert made me see it" defense or warn others not to see a film because "Ebert" does, in fact, "smoke crack".

Eric and I think that last comment remains relevant even now with Ebert's current review of Constantine. Most of you, surely, are as baffled as we are that this man retains his job at a fairly prestigious newspaper. I admit that the pressures of writing weekly reviews of all the films that have come out that weekend must be stressful, but one needn't resort to insanity to manage it all.

How about time management? Perhaps a good night's sleep, a steady diet and regular sessions with a psychologist? Maybe try not being completely bat shit? Hm? How about trying not to be absolutely insane? No? Representing the Midwest with some dignity and intelligence? No? Don't want to do that?

I implore you, Sun-Times: just fire him. I know he's an institution, but he's just not the same since he started going all ga-ga and trying to devour human flesh. Know when to say no. Who knows who will take him seriously? He's a danger to us all, Sun-Times, to our children and to our tender cinematic sensibilities. Only you can stop him, Sun-Times. You know what the right coice is. Good night, and God bless.

D